


The Journal of James Tiberius Kirk: A dictation.

by Tarvok



Series: Hello World [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Blindness, Disabled Character, Epistolary, Gen, Life Experience, M/M, Paraplegia, Psychic Abilities, Slight AU of the AOS, Vulcan mental illness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-09
Updated: 2014-04-25
Packaged: 2018-01-04 04:03:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 5,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1076323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tarvok/pseuds/Tarvok
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The journal entries of James Tiberius Kirk after his coma. A continuation of the Dear... series: When they brought Jim back, they thought it would be easy. They were wrong. A story of living and loving with lasting disability, and the effect this has on all involved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim's up, but he's not really moving around.

**YOU WILL WANT TO READ THIS FIRST:**

**[Dear...](../series/61486) **

 

Hello World  
The Journal of James Tiberius Kirk: A dictation.

By Tarvok

Rated: Varied. M/M, Gen. Character study. Nu!Trek.

 

Well hello, world. From what I hear, it's been a _really_ long time since my baby blues have seen anything. It's gonna be even longer than that since I'm blind. That's gonna take some getting used to, I'll say. I've not been left with no way to interact, though. I can fucking feel everything and anything all at once, so I've been moved as far away from people and small animals as possible.

Or maybe I'm in the basement at Sarek's house. I can't tell because I can't _see_. This is not really surprising, yanno. I had trouble with everything going fuzzy before my brain decided to explode and grow a new limb. So I wasn't too surprised when I woke up and couldn't tell where I was for reasons other than being in a coma for... my God. Six years.

I suppose I'll keep this cheerful for now. I don't feel too cheerful. You see... I also can't walk anywhere, or feel anything from my bellybutton downward. At least that bizarre agonising pain in my legs is gone. I guess they just got tired of hurting all the fucking time and just... stopped feeling at all. I gotta say, _not_ feeling fucking feels really fucking weird.

I guess I won't be fucking ever again, either. Can't say I'll miss it as I couldn't enjoy it if I wanted to. It's the weirdest thing, though. My lil' Jimmy Tee seems to act as though nothing's changed. Bones says that's normal when you're.... paralysed from the waist down. I wonder how embarrassing that was for him to see a boner on his best friend. Hell, it's not like he hasn't seen one before. I bet his face turned beet red and he stuttered for about an hour afterward. I totally bet that happened. I'll never know, though.

It sounds like my lunch is coming down the stairs. Sarek's having a lift installed so I can go upstairs if I want, though it'll be a long time before I can make the trip. I think it's Spock bringing it this time. Last time it was my Jojo. She's been reading me books just like she did when I was in the coma. She's reading the same ones, she says, since I wasn't really there enough to “actively listen.”

_James. I have your lunch._

Yeah, it's Spock. It's not plomeek, is it?

_It is a rice dish._

Ah. That's different. Ok. Get it on over here so I can see if it tastes any better than the other stuff I've had.

_It may not. Your sense of taste has yet to return._

Yeah yeah. I know. Thanks, Spock.

Kirk out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim knows something's up with Spock's end of the bond, and he's dealing with some new things with his body.

Well. Today was uneventful. I decided to listen to all the messages everybody recorded for me, and Bones wouldn't let me. So I never got a chance to do it. I asked Sarek what was up with that, and he told me to wait a while before I asked to listen to them again.

He felt like a warning, while Bones felt like fear.

I haven't felt Spock close by today, but I did feel him looking at me last night for a while. He felt like sadness and hope and... something darker and... empty. Like there was nothing there at all. I rolled over to face where I figured he was, and told him that I am okay. I'm alive and it's okay. I tried to project something resembling love toward him, and I heard an intake of breath and quick footsteps heading up the stairs.

I know he's been avoiding me. I know he thinks all of this is his fault, but I don't know how to get him to understand that it's not. It's Khan's. All of this shit is Khan's fault and it always will be.

His end of the bond is shattered. It feels like an explosion went off in his head when I focus on it. There's also someone else on the other end along with him. It upset me at first, but then I realised what must have happened. We'd been together for about a month when he had first entered his heat, and I had the damned stroke about four years into our relationship... so I know what happened. He had to have been with someone else. I think that's what they're keeping from me, but it won't last. I will find out who's on the other end of the bond and I'll make them tell me why the fuck they let Spock get as sick as he has. What kind of fucker would let Spock fall apart like this without helping him? It makes me so mad... but I don't dare show it around anyone. The last time I got angry, something flew at the wall. It scared the shit outta me, but I knew from then on to not get angry. I just... knew not to. I don't know or like what's going on, or what's happening to me. I feel like a Goddamned fucking freak.

They forgot... or they don't even know... that I've always gotten Spock's thoughts in bits and pieces even when he's far away from me. Now he can't even block me out at all, so what I do get is pretty messed up. I know he's not doing okay, and it pisses me off that I can't just get out of this stupid bed and go to him and make love to him and tell him and show him how much I love him and fix this shit.

I miss my Spock. I wish he would come to me and we could make everything okay again.

Hell, I even miss my mom. And Sam. Dammit.

....

Kirk out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new doctor, Taxhana Jar, has some ideas she's running by Jim.

So there's a new doctor Bones has called in. She's a Betazoid. I knew she was here before anybody bothered to tell me... I mean, there was this huge presence upstairs for a couple hours at least. There was this mega buzzing in my head.

She popped in to say hi to me while I was listening to some book, I can't even remember the name of, on data tape.

Bones knows about the stuff moving around. Apparently I do it in my sleep, and was actually doing it when I was projecting at Spock. So yeah. The teddy bear Jo gave me was on the chair behind me and it started floating in the air when I was talking to Spock.

I laughed about it when she told me. I musta scared the shit outta Spock. Poor Spock. I just hope it wasn't going to hug him. That would've been... Oh my God. I can't stop laughing. Hahaaa.... _vocalisation unrecognised_.

Stupid software. I know you can't tell a laugh from a freaking cough. Sheesh. Buzz kill.

….

She... her name is Taxhana Jar... anyway, Taxhana explained everything to me. She told me how Khan's blood started a bit of a chain reaction in some of my recessive genes, which caused the damage to my nerves ala the mechanism of something similar to Multiple Sclerosis. It's fried my own immune system, so that'll need to be fixed... which is why I'm in the basement. There's a sonic shower installed right inside the doorway. Then there was the stroke, and in an attempt to heal _that_ , Khan's blood started yet another reaction, growing a bit of paracortex in the process. Son of bitch, I guess I'm the better one now. I'd like to see him levitate teddy bears and knock over PADD's.

I take that back... while it would be fucking hilarious, no. I wouldn't want to see that.

It looks like I seriously need to look into my genealogy, too. Which I might be able to do, because she thinks there's a part of my paracortex they can attach an optical implant to and give me some sight back. I may be seeing only in black and white with weird fuzzy auras, but to that, I say, Merry Howard Christmas. Sure, it's a few weeks late, but fuck. I've missed like six of them.

They might be able to do something about my spine, too. It's intact, just covered in plaques from when my own immune system thought that being dead was preferable to letting Khan's blood fix me. Bitch to that, I say. Bones thinks some micro-implants along my spine that inject some of Khan's leukocytes into my spinal cord will fix things just enough that I should be able to at least feel again. It'll be a real long time 'til I'll be able to walk again. I figure lil' Jimmy Tee will be happy. Pfft.

Well, it sounds like my supper is entering Kirkland.... and they've got something metallic.

What _is_ that? It's clinking. Better not be a damned hypo, Bonesaroni.

_It's scissors, Jim. I'm cutting your hair._

Oh ok. Make sure to keep my ears _on_ , ok?

_Fuck you._

Only if you ask first... and give me those implants. 

_You are such an asshole._

Gimme my crab cakes.

_No! You eat after I do your hair. I need you to behave. It's weird enough you can tell it's me when you can't even see me. I do not need to know what else you can see._

Oh fine. I can smell the damned food, man.

Kirk out.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim went to the park, everything's grey, and Spock's basically the same.

I had a pretty good time at the park today. I don't think I've ever _seen_ so much soft grey grass, or such _lovely_ grey trees, or even that _really_ great grey sky with those puffy _grey_ clouds.

Man, this is _so_ going to take some getting used to.

Everything is fucking grey. Everywhere. All the time.

Tax says it won't be like that forever, but damn!

….

Anyway, Bones took me to the park, and Spock came along with us. He was wearing something black, that much I know, mostly because he's been wearing all black since I had my stroke. At least that's what Bones says.

We got to spend some time alone while the doc went to get something from one of the shops on the way there. Spock's doing ok, all things considered. We never speak much anymore, but I don't think we ever really needed to in the first place. I mean, I know he's having trouble getting words out, and there's some trouble there with understanding what people are saying to him, too. He understands feelings, which when I think about it, is kind of ironic. It's all he's got right now, so I imagine he's sort of floating around in an illogical limbo. Unable to really communicate with anyone, and unable to really be “Vulcan,” even in his own mind.

He can still do his teaching as long as Milesah provides slides for his use in class, and so long as it's only one day a week. He's got no problem grading and writing reference numbers to questions and things, but he needs some help with fielding their personal crap. Skaron can only keep Spock's students under control for so long. I'm going to sit in once Bones gets the implants in my spine. I can help him then. I'm more effective as a telepathic attendant than Skaron.

At least that's what the old man told me.

As for Spock, I have trouble reading his emotions, but I can read his face now that I can see it. I can tell when he's about to snap. For example, whenever Jo's around and she starts in on one of her... hormonal things. He gets uncomfortable, like he always does now, but she just keeps going. Eventually he projects at her unintentionally and she blows up. It happens every day she's here. The last time it happened, I fielded it.

She didn't like that much. She opened her mouth to tell me off when Spock just... lost it. Sarek bodily dragged him outta the room and when Skaron went to take her aside, I told him no. I don't feel the greatest about doing it to her, but I told her to sit down so I could show her what she's doing to Spock. She came away from that bawling her eyes out, but Bones said he'd take care of her.

I'm the only Human... well mostly Human... who can get anywhere near him when he's like that.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you need help understanding what Bendii does to the Vulcan emotional/mental state, and you've never seen TNG, watch this short video. It will help even if you have seen it.
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOm1dKSOq1g
> 
> It's something you'll want to see to understand what "losing it" means, and what Jim "showed" Jo in this.
> 
> I can't stress enough that counseling doesn't help in these instances, and that Taxhana really can't help Spock. It's redundant to tell him to "feel," when he can't stop.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They'll always be friends.

_Jim. We need to talk._

'Kay. What about, Bones? I was about to start my stretches, but we can chat instead.

_You won't get out of doing them... but we do need to talk. Sooner is better._

Well, shoot. Go ahead.

….

….

Bones?

_I'm thinking, dammit. This isn't easy!_

None of this has been easy. Just spit it out.

….

_I slept with Spock. When he was in pon farr._

….

_Are you mad, Jim? Should I go and hang myself?_

No. Don't hang yourself, Jesus, Bones. During his _pon farr_?

_Yes. He was gunna die! I couldn't let that happen, Jim. I know you'd hate us both if he did._

You took quite a chance, Bones. I can kick you out of here; him too. I doubt Sarek would be terribly upset if I forbid you both from ever coming down here again.

_Will you do that, Jim?_

Do you love him?

_What?_

You heard me. Do you love him, or was it just something you did because you had no choice?

_I..._

Well? 

_I do, Jim. I have... for a long time now. He knows it, too, but it's never gone anywhere. There's no fear that you'll ever lose him... I know he's not for me._

Bones...

_No. I know it. You know it. He knows it. Fuck, Jo knows it. **Everyone**. Knows. It._

….

….

….

I'm sorry, Len.

_It doesn't matter, Kiddo... When we had that fight the night she died... we were gonna get a divorce, Jim. She called me some things, and I kicked her out. Against my best judgment, I told her to just go die in a crash. I said, “Well, go then! I hope you just die in that car I bought you!” And she did. They found her the next morning, and called me to tell me. She was still wearing her ring and they said there were tears stains from her mascara all over her face. They were fucking looking for a **note**._

Bones... I'm-

_No. I just couldn't see that happen again to someone else I... care about. It's purely selfish of me, and I should've just let Spock go afterward. But I can't. I think it might kill me if I see you two happy together and I'm not a part of that, Jim. I don't think I can-_

Bones. Stop it. Come here and shut up. For once do what I say, will you?

_That's my line, dammit._

Shhh!

….

….

….

….

Better?

_How's a hug supposed to fix it?_

You ninny. It's to show you you aren't “not” a part of this. Okay? We're friends, brothers, right?

_I guess._

No, you _know_. We'll work this out, okay?

….

Bones? 

_Shut up, Jim. I need my dignity._

You have no dignity, and we both know it. The tissues are over there. At least I think that's what that grey box is.

_You still can't see color?_

Nope. But I've got the _best_ doctor on it. 

_You mean Jar?_

Shut. Up.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate the patience as you wait for the updates. As I do write from experience, you'll need to take that into account when I do manage an update.

Spock's doing his best. I know he is. Things have been really shitty for him during this whole thing, and I just want him to be ok. He had a really bad night last night, and I'm really glad he came to me when he couldn't handle it.

He's handling his bastardised version of Bendii pretty well, I think. Then again, he was more open to his emotions before all this happened, so maybe that's why it's been a little easier.

If nothing else, he's stopped his teaching gig at the Academy and he's been much less stressed overall. He's taken up tutoring a couple adorable little Vulcan kids who are here with their parents on some trip or other. Naturally, I can't see them plainly as my implants have decided to shit on me until Bones figures out the problem, but I assert they are cute because they're little _Vulcan_ kids. Those are always cute.

Speaking of Bones, he and Jo have moved back in here temporarily. Jo's doing better herself, once I sat her down and explained in no uncertain terms just what her selfishness was doing to Spock. She just didn't seem to “get” that he's not in a position where he can control himself as well as he used to... he just can't take her insensitive comments about his condition, and Bones' always telling her off wasn't helping, either.

Bones means well, but he, like most other people who know already, tend to forget that Vulcans can sense strong emotion from a certain distance. They may be touch telepaths, but they can still pick up on emotions from a distance, without needing to touch. Jo being worked up, and then Bones... it takes it's toll on him. I've been working with some folks on my own empathic controls, so I can ease his load a bit. Be a buffer.

In happier news, we made love last night. God, how I missed him. We talked most of the night, and I finally understand why he wouldn't touch me or come near me. It's because of what we were doing right before my brain had a shit-trip and I stroked out. He's been blaming himself this entire time. He said something about how that was on the tapes I've yet to listen to, and I told him I'd decided against listening to any of them.

His speech is a bit better after we meld, but it doesn't last long; maybe a few hours at most. So when he made a face and stopped mid-sentence, I just kissed him. It all went from there. It was amazing. It was by far _not_ the best sex we'd ever had, but it was amazing. Did I say that twice? Ha, well, it _was_ amazing.

I suppose with trying to get into a comfortable position with spinal implants jabbing you painfully every time you move, it could have used some work. I couldn't see him that well, but I remember him well enough.

Ah. I can hear somebody sneaking down the hall, probably trying to listen to my magnificent orations.

…

…

…

…

Knick knack, paddy-whack. Give a dog a bone...

…

…

…

_I think he knows we are listening._

_I told you this was illogical, Stok._

Vulcan kids really are cute.

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

Spock's depressed, not _sad_. He can't just will away what he's feeling.

_Sigh..._

Sometimes I just want to... _sigh_ ... People can be really clueless and _unhelpful._

Uhura came by this afternoon. She's been on New Vulcan for a little while helping out with the language program there. She's been working with the younger Vulcan kids on their Standard and some other stuff I can't pronounce. She wanted to check up on us. Me and Spock. She was a bit surprised that I'm walking around now. Heh, so was I at first, but it's worked for the best. My crazy healing abilities caused what Bones proudly calls “biomechanical fusion.” The first of it's sort, apparently. It's some kind of “medical miracle” and can really help people.

My body absorbed my spinal implants and began using them to aid in repairing my spinal cord plus all those lovely nerves that were busted up from not being used. We've got no idea about my eyes yet, though, and Bones wants to run more tests to ensure this weird newness in my brain isn't causing trouble that we haven't noticed yet before he screws with those again. As it is, we've adjusted them so many times I think I'd rather just see greens and then have everything else be beige and grey. I can see other colors, too, and most of the time my vision's clear and not fuzzy like I need glasses, but every so often it defaults to the “Nature setting” and I only get browns and greens with everything else like an old television. And I need glasses.

But back to Uhura. She didn't do Spock much good. She kept trying to tell him he was fine, just needed some rest. That all he needed to do was meditate like he used to and everything would _be fine._

Yeah. Because telling a Vulcan with Bendii that all he has to do is meditate it away is _great advice._ Just like telling a Human that having depression is something they can just will away too, when it's not. It isn't. _At all._

I know she was trying to help, but, God, really? She looked confused and hurt when he made a face and finally got up and walked outside. He'd told me in the past that he'd always appreciated what she'd done for him after he lost his mom and his people, but that it had always upset him in his own, private, Vulcan way, that she just made so many assumptions about him all because he was Vulcan. It was like he was never actually in the room with her. That's something I'll always fucking understand and _never do to him._

I was gonna say something to her, but Sarek showed up at the end of the hall and nodded to me to go to Spock. I ended up showing Spock the flowers that were peeking up a bit late this year out in the yard.

I don't know what Sarek said to her, but she came outside and “apologised” to Spock. Said she didn't know what she was saying. She was touching his hand and telling him that she didn't understand how hard things were with Bendii and how she should've thought before speaking. She said she was wrong and left.

Spock was quiet and still for a long time after she left. My PADD _beeped_ at me from my right back pocket, and it read:

_She was lying. She thinks she's right. NO touching._

I actually cried standing out there in the garden watching Spock's shoulders shake while he sat in the grass, and I couldn't tell whose tears they were. I'm not proud of my lack of ability to control my own emotions when around Spock, but it's a side-effect of our combined telepathy now. I'm also fucking tired of the shit people still get in this century for having a mental illness. I'm angry with myself for letting her touch him and shove her stupid ignorance into his brain. I was his Captain, for God's sake. I'm supposed to be able to protect him.

Spock went to bed early that day, before dinner, and I let him sleep. It takes a lot out of him to meet with people, even the ones that live here with him.

When I went to bed, myself, it was already early morning. Spock had woken up for a little while and I took my time with him, made sure he felt good.

…

…

…

…

 

I _need_ him to know I don't see him as any different. He's... he's still _my Sp_ -

 

 

 

_Program error. Unable to translate language. Please retry._

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarek's a badass.

I can't make stairs and I've got a cane and a nasty limp, but it's really not so bad. I've been going on walks with Sarek in the mornings before the Spring sun gets too high in the sky and I get dizzy. 

Heh, I actually fainted the last time we tried that. I can't imagine how awkward that was for everybody, especially our neighbors, to see this ancient-looking Vulcan rushing me inside. I have been  _reliably informed_ that he did  _not_ “rush;” he calculated the amount of time it would require for him to get me into the house and to Bones, and logically determined that “quick movement” would result in the least amount of time wasted.

I call  _bullshit_ on logic, man. Ain't no logic about freaking out.

Anyway, I don't push myself like that anymore. Even if I'd've thought it was a slightly interesting idea, I wouldn't do that to Spock, and having a stern Vulcan father-in-law staring you down when you come to isn't pleasant either.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's tomatoes in this chapter.

So Spock went with us to the market today. There's this neat little farmers' market down our drive and a way out into town. 

…

Can I even call it a “town?” There's like twenty people in it...

…

Aw, hell. Whatever. So Spock came with us. Sarek's got this bigass Vulcan umbrella, and he was carrying it so we could all get out in the sun without getting too much. Spock's been having a bit of trouble with his senses being overkill, so he and I wore sunglasses. I gotta wear 'em 'cause my implants don't like UV-B. I thought we looked sharp. Real smooth. Sarek just looked boring. Seriously. 

I probably looked weird hanging with the two of them next to the tomatoes in my shiny new outfit. It was this...  _beige_ , I think...Vulcan getup... Or it was tan. Light colors still don't register well... there were leggings and a top that was a little bit like a long tunic with no sleeves, and... shit it's impossible to describe it. It was soft and cozy and that's what matters.  _Ha_. 

Spock and his dad wore matching white robes. I half expected somebody to start mowing the grass and blow green all over them. I'd've laughed.

…

I need to get out more if that's the pinnacle of my humor.

Yeah. Um. 

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

 

 

 

 

_Program automated shutoff._


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Old movies!

I got Bones to go to the store a couple towns over and get us some old, sappy vids. Chick flicks. Spock and I spent the past weekend watching 'em. He didn't get very into it, but I didn't figure he would. He's been having trouble focusing on things. Bones asked me what the point was; what was I trying to achieve by getting a Vulcan to watch sappy old movies? 

_Popcorn._ I got Spock to eat something other than warm plomeek broth. He'd never had “popped corn” before as I'd neglected my spousal duties by sleeping for an age, and I had to make up for it. Seemed as good a time as any.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim's lookin' up shit.

The weather's finally cleared up! Yes! I'd been planning a picnic with Spock for  _two weeks_. Damn rain. Stupid, insufferable... I mean, really! That rain didn't help his mood, and I can't do _everything_. Man. 

A little help, Nature? Pwease?

…

Sarek got some fresh seeds shipped in from a couple places. One was a greenery around here somewhere, and the other was one of the Vulcan colonies. Figures I'd forget the name. Oh well. I'm looking it up.

…

…

…

…

…

…

Gah, piece o' crap! Don't you dare shut off on me, I'm looking up shit.

…

…

…

…

…

Ah. Yeah. That's right. Good.

…

…

…

Now where was I? 

…

Spock made me lunch today. Everybody's gone out for the day, except Sarek. But he was napping, so he doesn't count.

Anyway, Spock decided to make me a meatloaf and veggies. I don't know why. He didn't say anything, obviously, as he's not said a word for about six months now, but I'm smart. I can watch and _see things_. Maybe not in color today, but who the fuck cares? I don't need color to eat.

It was good. Amazingly good. For a vegetarian who has never cooked meat before, I'm pretty sure he looked up how to. Really. It was the best turkey loaf I'd ever eaten, and easily beat out beef. Not that I've had beef in ages. Bones doesn't want me near the stuff. 

Spock made me yellow squash and carrots. I'll never know how a Vulcan can make a plain veggie like squash actually taste good with salt and pepper. Anytime I ever tried to do it it tasted like wet cardboard. I usually eat my veggies with just a dash of salt, but squash has issues in the flavor department.

So, after I ate the food and gave all the necessary compliments on Spock's cooking, we went to our room so Spock could rest. My PADD gave me a little  _beep_ while I was in our shared bathroom washing up. 

_I would like to plant the garden,_ the message read. I told him that was amazing when I got back into the room. I asked him if he'd need any help. He shook his head no. 

…

So we get to go on a picnic in a couple days when the ground isn't squishy, and Spock's gonna “plant the garden,” as he puts it. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shameeks aren't like plomeeks at all.

We've had to hold off on the picnic for a few more days. Stupid rain came back.  _Go away!_

Spock did get to plant his peas and this weird hybrid carrot-plomeek thing today that, according to Sarek, “Tastes like your 'heaven,' but smells like rotten garbage.” Goody. I can't wait to have that in a stew after it's been smelling up the house for three hours in the  _middle of Winter._

I was having a snack mid-afternoon when Spock came inside and indicated to me that he didn't know where to plant something. I was confused for a second, as there's only two places prepared for the garden this year. I went outside to have a look. I noticed he'd planted the peas, but the space next to them was unplanted and he had the shameek seeds in his hand. I smiled at him and asked him if he was all right with putting them next to the peas. He had no idea what I was talking about, so I just plopped into the grass and we both planted the shameeks. 

That happens a few times a week; he forgets what he's doing and just... stops. Eventually, he figured out he could come up to me and stare at the back of my head long enough for me to  _get with it_ and help him out. He can't operate a PADD or do anything but stand there in that state, so I've had to learn what to do. Now we've got it all worked out. I just guess at what to do and as he can't remember what he was doing, nor is he aware really, of what's going on, he wouldn't have any idea if I was winging it or not.

I think it takes somewhere near to three months to grow these weird hybrid thingies. I sniffed the seeds and they smell like stinky socks. You also can't get the smell off your hands. I hope Sarek knows what he's talking about.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Spock go on a picnic!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've wanted Spock to "speak" for a while now, to somehow show in his own "words" what it's like for him since Jim got sick. He hasn't actually been able to communicate that. The last time he really got to say anything, really, was on a recording in Jim's hospital room where he mentions his own feelings of guilt over their nightly activities prior to Jim's stroke. Really, that's it. That's all he's been able to say. I wanted to change that a bit.
> 
> Spock's still Spock. He's just hurting underneath it all and trying to find himself again.

Okay, Spock, you set the plates out for us while I get this thing set up right.

…

…

Right. Got it. So. Bones got me a portable dictation device that I can use separate to my PADD. I like it. It's tiny, and... um... portable, I guess.

No, Spock. Those go over there. Yeah. We don't wanna be directly in the sunlight.

…

_Mmph..._

Good God, it's never gonna get easier to sit down, is it? I feel like a toddler, only without the diaper to catch my ass. Spock? Is that a smile? Aw, don't hide it. I like your smiles.

So. Whatdya pack us? Sammiches?

Oh, a message!

…

_'Sammiches?'_

Haha, Spock. Yes. You packed us _sammiches._

…

…

…

…

It's a nice day. Ground's still too soggy for my taste, but that breeze is nice. The sun's nice too, huh? 

…

Yeah. I thought you'd like it. 

…

…

It's nice to see the bees out early. For a while there, I thought we weren't gonna have any.

…

_'They repopulated while you were sleeping, Jim.'_

Yeah? Well that's good. I didn't want to run out of fruit. We need bees for fruit.

…

_'and many things, Jim'_

Yeah. It wouldn't be fair to only focus on the stuff I like, would it? I guess not.

…

_'we like the same things'_

I guess we do now, huh? You used to have different likes, though, right? Like, you used to like tomatoes.

_'not anymore.'_

I'm guessing you don't like nuts anymore.

_'I do not.'_

…

That's what I thought.

…

…

…

It's okay, Spock. I'm not going anywhere.

…

…

…

…

This really is nice. You make the best sandwiches, Spock. Even these chips taste better since _you_ packed them.

_'Illogical, Jim.'_

Yeah, but you love me anyway, dontcha, Spock?

…

_'always'_

 


End file.
